I had a huge reality check yesterday. Nothing horrible or life threatening happened…just a simple cross country meet.

I don’t know if it was because this was the first meet of my now high school freshman and the fact that he is that, just hit me anew.

Or maybe it was because I’ve been mostly cooped up at home in the past eight weeks and my recovery has been a little slower than I’d like it to be.

I don’t know, but whatever it was from, I was hit with two huge emotions watching that tall, lean boy run his heart out in the 100+ degree heat, making me wish I hadn’t left my sunglasses in the car.

{Warning…a bit of transparency lies ahead…if you’re here for a premade theme or tutorial, just look away…}

One…

My time with these boys is so very limited. It is speeding by faster than I realize the majority of the time. These years of homework, cross country meets, family dinners, my influence…they are fleeting.

And two…fear.

Fear that I haven’t done enough…taught them enough…prepared them enough…been enough. Will they be ready to face this big bad world on their own some day? When I’m not there to protect them and guide them and remind them? Will they know without a shadow of a doubt that, next to their father, I love them more than any other human beings on this planet? The reality of my humanness glares me in the face at times.

I forget to sign permission slips and agendas.

I yell sometimes.

I don’t always make a vegetable with dinner. And…I don’t buy organic.

I haven’t exposed my kids to enough culture.

I get lectured at the dentist because they don’t floss enough.

They don’t always get As and Bs. And Cs.

The list could probably go on for a few posts.

But I have to know that somehow this frail offering I give is taken and transformed and renewed every day into something worthy and good…no matter how imperfect.

every “Thank you, mamma”…

every “I want to help!” in the kitchen…

every “I love you”…

every smile and laugh and giggle…

every snicker and roll of the eyes at my bad jokes and even worse dancing…

every kiss good night that is never, ever missed…

makes me think its all going to be ok.